Sometimes things in life distract us.
For me, it is my job. My daughter. My cats. My house. My deployed husband.
The thing I have a hard time letting distract me, is me.
I've just recently started to think better about myself. Self-worth is something many people battle with, even if they shouldn't need to. I have battled it as long as I can possibly remember. I have never been comfortable in my own skin.
What created this issue for me, honestly, is unknown. It could be any number of things.
The only thing I know, is that it is time for a change.
A change for my daughter, my deployed husband, and most importantly myself.
I needn't apologize for my extended absence, since I didn't have but a few people who read my puny posts to begin with.
My blog will continue to be about my adorable daughter, my attempts to be eco-friendly, but also my journey to obliterate my horrible self-loathing.
My goal, to myself, is to say something that I can do well, every day.
I want to share my thoughts on things that I find to be helpful in my journey as a mother, wife, store manager, and human being.
I welcome suggestions and feedback, even if it isn't always positive.
I am still new to blogging, even so far after I began that journey.
For today, I will leave my post with my positive thing for today.
I am very good at getting my precious daughter to smile.
It is that smile that motivates me to get out of bed daily.
20130106
20110510
♥ The Inevitable Decision ♥
I'll admit; I've always been the type of person to fret a lot about the future. Both the future of people, and honestly more importantly, the future of Earth. They tie in together completely, even though many people don't think so.
When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't even think about it. We'd use the diapers they have in the store, the plastic ones that have been all I've ever seen.
One of my best friends, A, had recently had a daughter, and they were using a cloth-hybrid diaper. My brain just couldn't wrap around it. Cloth? Why use that? Aren't the ones in the store easier? I mean, I can't really remember ever seeing cloth diapers in Target or WalMart...
A was very enthusiastic to talk to me about them, and the more she talked, the more I wanted to do it. I won't lie, it was intimidating. When I first told my mother, she seemed a little worried that I'd do cloth, like I was taking a step into the past with the pre-folds and pins, the smelly messy diaper pails, and goodness knows what else. She knows, she did cloth with all three of us.
It was also a fight with my husband to get him on the band wagon. He wanted to do what was normal, and essentially what every one else was doing. He was afraid of poop in the washing machine. What is a washer for if it isn't to get things clean? I couldn't convince him of pocket diapers or all in ones, but it was a start! (Much to his initial dismay, I was sent some lovely pocket diapers from my friend Katy)
So then, much to my surprise, almost immediately after my husband was deployed for Bahrain, the hospital induced me. I was only at 27 weeks. After being in the hospital two days, I had little DD at 2 AM on the dot, on January 23rd. She came into the world at 4 lbs 11.3 oz. Needless to say, the small diapers I bought for her didn't fit. After all that. I was really sad, but I was also on so many meds I was barely aware of what was going on. I do know her preemie disposables were far too large. When DH came home (the Navy did let him come home, because the labor was terrible, and then DD was admitted to the hospital a second time) when DD was two weeks old, we had already spent more than $145 on disposables. He was finally sold on the cloth. We ordered the gBaby bundle and when it came two days later, I was sold. They fit her beautifully, and honestly, I never wanted to put another disposable on her cute bum. Not only did the rash caused by the disposables in the hospital go away within a day, they were cute as could be.
The best part of these diapers? Even if the inserts end up in the trash, they start to mold and decompose within a week. They're completely gone within 60 days. Disposables will sit in a landfill for 500+ years.
Now DD is larger, almost twice the size she was when she was born. She is 100% cloth-diapered now, and I'm glad. I've played around with the pocket diapers that Katy sent me, and I've also bought an itti bitti tuttom which has actually turned out to be my favourite of the lot. However, until I can convert the daycare to the full cloth and not the hybrid, I'll stick with my gDiapers.
Now that the baby is in cloth, I've started to think more of what I can do to help lower our impact. That is what my blog will be for. My journey to becoming more environmentally aware and friendly, whilst teaching my daughter, and convincing my husband.
I give him credit though, he is way more open minded about the cloth diapers than he was before, and has been incredibly supportive. For that, I definitely thank and respect him.
Next post?
Environmentally friendly... shampoo?
When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't even think about it. We'd use the diapers they have in the store, the plastic ones that have been all I've ever seen.
One of my best friends, A, had recently had a daughter, and they were using a cloth-hybrid diaper. My brain just couldn't wrap around it. Cloth? Why use that? Aren't the ones in the store easier? I mean, I can't really remember ever seeing cloth diapers in Target or WalMart...
A was very enthusiastic to talk to me about them, and the more she talked, the more I wanted to do it. I won't lie, it was intimidating. When I first told my mother, she seemed a little worried that I'd do cloth, like I was taking a step into the past with the pre-folds and pins, the smelly messy diaper pails, and goodness knows what else. She knows, she did cloth with all three of us.
It was also a fight with my husband to get him on the band wagon. He wanted to do what was normal, and essentially what every one else was doing. He was afraid of poop in the washing machine. What is a washer for if it isn't to get things clean? I couldn't convince him of pocket diapers or all in ones, but it was a start! (Much to his initial dismay, I was sent some lovely pocket diapers from my friend Katy)
So then, much to my surprise, almost immediately after my husband was deployed for Bahrain, the hospital induced me. I was only at 27 weeks. After being in the hospital two days, I had little DD at 2 AM on the dot, on January 23rd. She came into the world at 4 lbs 11.3 oz. Needless to say, the small diapers I bought for her didn't fit. After all that. I was really sad, but I was also on so many meds I was barely aware of what was going on. I do know her preemie disposables were far too large. When DH came home (the Navy did let him come home, because the labor was terrible, and then DD was admitted to the hospital a second time) when DD was two weeks old, we had already spent more than $145 on disposables. He was finally sold on the cloth. We ordered the gBaby bundle and when it came two days later, I was sold. They fit her beautifully, and honestly, I never wanted to put another disposable on her cute bum. Not only did the rash caused by the disposables in the hospital go away within a day, they were cute as could be.
The best part of these diapers? Even if the inserts end up in the trash, they start to mold and decompose within a week. They're completely gone within 60 days. Disposables will sit in a landfill for 500+ years.
Now DD is larger, almost twice the size she was when she was born. She is 100% cloth-diapered now, and I'm glad. I've played around with the pocket diapers that Katy sent me, and I've also bought an itti bitti tuttom which has actually turned out to be my favourite of the lot. However, until I can convert the daycare to the full cloth and not the hybrid, I'll stick with my gDiapers.
Now that the baby is in cloth, I've started to think more of what I can do to help lower our impact. That is what my blog will be for. My journey to becoming more environmentally aware and friendly, whilst teaching my daughter, and convincing my husband.
I give him credit though, he is way more open minded about the cloth diapers than he was before, and has been incredibly supportive. For that, I definitely thank and respect him.
Next post?
Environmentally friendly... shampoo?
20110404
♥ Unconditional Love and Moral Impasse ♥
I find myself at an incredibly difficult impasse.
It is time for me to go back to work; my maternity leave is nearing it's end, thus my need to return to my job. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my job. I can easily say that there is only one other job that I have ever loved this much. Every job has its downside, so it's not as though it is perfect and as though I don't complain from time to time. My issue? Daycare. I am so absolutely horrified at the concept of leaving my just over two-month old daughter, who just now looks like a newborn by the way, in the hands of someone I don't know to watch and raise her. I keep wracking my brain to figure out if this is the right thing to do or not.
My brain says yes, we need the money and I need out of the house. However, my heart screams no at me. I'm terrified that I will miss her first word, or her crawling for the very first time. I'm worried they'll teach her that she has to share her belongings (which is a conversation for another time, I'm sure) and other such things that are taught to kids anymore.
I respect my mother in so many ways, for giving up what she may have wanted to do for herself, to raise the three of us. She had the strength to do something that I'm not sure I can do. I think that my mother raised me right, and always did the best she could with what she had. I hope that I can be half the mother to my daughter as mine was to me. Of course, we never see things this way as we are growing up, we always think that Mommy and Daddy are being mean, or whatever our little child / teenage brains are thinking.
So my moral dilemma is... should I pay the $145 a week and put her in daycare so that I can earn some extra money to try and pay off the bills I wish we didn't have, or should I just stay home and be a mother to my daughter, of whom is a poor, innocent bystander in this whirlwind of my thoughts and decisions? I find myself beating myself up about it regularly, not as though that is healthy, but it makes me wonder if putting her in daycare is healthy either. I suppose that the only solution is to just give it a shot, and if I hate it, take her out of it and be done with it.
I guess that is one thing that I will just see on.
On to my next topic, unconditional love.
Now, you may think unconditional love and think that it is amazing, and that more people want it in their lives.
For me, it is almost like the bane of my existence. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm loved, but sometimes that love gets in the way of bigger things that need to happen. Sure, I have a lot of baby weight on me and you may not see it, but it is very important to at least lose some of it so that I am in a healthy range and a healthy place so that I can take care of myself and my daughter. Telling me that I'm the only one that sees the need to do it is insulting, and for me, I find it cruel. It's like telling me I'm wrong, rather than telling me I am fine how I am. If I don't feel like I am fine where I am, shouldn't that be enough for encouragement to try and better myself? I have to say that I am sick of feeling sabotaged. Nobody would ever mean to sabotage someone who is trying to improve themselves (unless something is seriously wrong with them, or the methods of improvement), but it seems like I don't have the determination to resist the saboteur.
It's hard to eat properly when the other party in your relationship prefers terrible food, as far as health wise, and has shown no interest in healthier options.
All I can say is that I need to step it up if I ever plan on feeling better or being healthy. Sooner rather than later, it will be even harder to reverse the damage done by being pregnant.
I suppose just my thoughts for the day.
It is time for me to go back to work; my maternity leave is nearing it's end, thus my need to return to my job. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my job. I can easily say that there is only one other job that I have ever loved this much. Every job has its downside, so it's not as though it is perfect and as though I don't complain from time to time. My issue? Daycare. I am so absolutely horrified at the concept of leaving my just over two-month old daughter, who just now looks like a newborn by the way, in the hands of someone I don't know to watch and raise her. I keep wracking my brain to figure out if this is the right thing to do or not.
My brain says yes, we need the money and I need out of the house. However, my heart screams no at me. I'm terrified that I will miss her first word, or her crawling for the very first time. I'm worried they'll teach her that she has to share her belongings (which is a conversation for another time, I'm sure) and other such things that are taught to kids anymore.
I respect my mother in so many ways, for giving up what she may have wanted to do for herself, to raise the three of us. She had the strength to do something that I'm not sure I can do. I think that my mother raised me right, and always did the best she could with what she had. I hope that I can be half the mother to my daughter as mine was to me. Of course, we never see things this way as we are growing up, we always think that Mommy and Daddy are being mean, or whatever our little child / teenage brains are thinking.
So my moral dilemma is... should I pay the $145 a week and put her in daycare so that I can earn some extra money to try and pay off the bills I wish we didn't have, or should I just stay home and be a mother to my daughter, of whom is a poor, innocent bystander in this whirlwind of my thoughts and decisions? I find myself beating myself up about it regularly, not as though that is healthy, but it makes me wonder if putting her in daycare is healthy either. I suppose that the only solution is to just give it a shot, and if I hate it, take her out of it and be done with it.
I guess that is one thing that I will just see on.
On to my next topic, unconditional love.
Now, you may think unconditional love and think that it is amazing, and that more people want it in their lives.
For me, it is almost like the bane of my existence. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm loved, but sometimes that love gets in the way of bigger things that need to happen. Sure, I have a lot of baby weight on me and you may not see it, but it is very important to at least lose some of it so that I am in a healthy range and a healthy place so that I can take care of myself and my daughter. Telling me that I'm the only one that sees the need to do it is insulting, and for me, I find it cruel. It's like telling me I'm wrong, rather than telling me I am fine how I am. If I don't feel like I am fine where I am, shouldn't that be enough for encouragement to try and better myself? I have to say that I am sick of feeling sabotaged. Nobody would ever mean to sabotage someone who is trying to improve themselves (unless something is seriously wrong with them, or the methods of improvement), but it seems like I don't have the determination to resist the saboteur.
It's hard to eat properly when the other party in your relationship prefers terrible food, as far as health wise, and has shown no interest in healthier options.
All I can say is that I need to step it up if I ever plan on feeling better or being healthy. Sooner rather than later, it will be even harder to reverse the damage done by being pregnant.
I suppose just my thoughts for the day.
20101001
Indecision.
I definitely want to start blogging, but I'm not sure of what to talk about.
I was contemplating on a few things.
Military Mommy to Be, about life with my husband in the Navy with the baby on the way, with info and stuff for other such mommies that might need help...
Art Appreciation, I tried to do a blog where I drew something every day, but my tablet died and the scanner cables are super MIA. Totally unsure as of what to do, as we have no extra money. So this time, appreciate OTHER people's art, and draw and post my own when I can.
Crazy-Cat Lady, stuff about the cats we have, tips, tricks, links, and as much help as I can give for all the crap they do. xD
Gaming, essentially stuff about games I play, have played, want to play, yadda yadda yadda.
Any thoughts would be great. I'm lost.
Just saying.
I was contemplating on a few things.
Military Mommy to Be, about life with my husband in the Navy with the baby on the way, with info and stuff for other such mommies that might need help...
Art Appreciation, I tried to do a blog where I drew something every day, but my tablet died and the scanner cables are super MIA. Totally unsure as of what to do, as we have no extra money. So this time, appreciate OTHER people's art, and draw and post my own when I can.
Crazy-Cat Lady, stuff about the cats we have, tips, tricks, links, and as much help as I can give for all the crap they do. xD
Gaming, essentially stuff about games I play, have played, want to play, yadda yadda yadda.
Any thoughts would be great. I'm lost.
Just saying.
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