I find myself at an incredibly difficult impasse.
It is time for me to go back to work; my maternity leave is nearing it's end, thus my need to return to my job. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my job. I can easily say that there is only one other job that I have ever loved this much. Every job has its downside, so it's not as though it is perfect and as though I don't complain from time to time. My issue? Daycare. I am so absolutely horrified at the concept of leaving my just over two-month old daughter, who just now looks like a newborn by the way, in the hands of someone I don't know to watch and raise her. I keep wracking my brain to figure out if this is the right thing to do or not.
My brain says yes, we need the money and I need out of the house. However, my heart screams no at me. I'm terrified that I will miss her first word, or her crawling for the very first time. I'm worried they'll teach her that she has to share her belongings (which is a conversation for another time, I'm sure) and other such things that are taught to kids anymore.
I respect my mother in so many ways, for giving up what she may have wanted to do for herself, to raise the three of us. She had the strength to do something that I'm not sure I can do. I think that my mother raised me right, and always did the best she could with what she had. I hope that I can be half the mother to my daughter as mine was to me. Of course, we never see things this way as we are growing up, we always think that Mommy and Daddy are being mean, or whatever our little child / teenage brains are thinking.
So my moral dilemma is... should I pay the $145 a week and put her in daycare so that I can earn some extra money to try and pay off the bills I wish we didn't have, or should I just stay home and be a mother to my daughter, of whom is a poor, innocent bystander in this whirlwind of my thoughts and decisions? I find myself beating myself up about it regularly, not as though that is healthy, but it makes me wonder if putting her in daycare is healthy either. I suppose that the only solution is to just give it a shot, and if I hate it, take her out of it and be done with it.
I guess that is one thing that I will just see on.
On to my next topic, unconditional love.
Now, you may think unconditional love and think that it is amazing, and that more people want it in their lives.
For me, it is almost like the bane of my existence. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm loved, but sometimes that love gets in the way of bigger things that need to happen. Sure, I have a lot of baby weight on me and you may not see it, but it is very important to at least lose some of it so that I am in a healthy range and a healthy place so that I can take care of myself and my daughter. Telling me that I'm the only one that sees the need to do it is insulting, and for me, I find it cruel. It's like telling me I'm wrong, rather than telling me I am fine how I am. If I don't feel like I am fine where I am, shouldn't that be enough for encouragement to try and better myself? I have to say that I am sick of feeling sabotaged. Nobody would ever mean to sabotage someone who is trying to improve themselves (unless something is seriously wrong with them, or the methods of improvement), but it seems like I don't have the determination to resist the saboteur.
It's hard to eat properly when the other party in your relationship prefers terrible food, as far as health wise, and has shown no interest in healthier options.
All I can say is that I need to step it up if I ever plan on feeling better or being healthy. Sooner rather than later, it will be even harder to reverse the damage done by being pregnant.
I suppose just my thoughts for the day.
